Partners In Crime.

The Abraham Moss playing fields in Crumpsall were the scene of a petty crime this week. A 17 year old boy suffered a fractured skull for the sake of 11 pounds. He was beaten about the head and body with a metal bar and a chair leg and stripped naked.

Meanwhile, a man had died peacefully in his sleeping bag in Ausewell Woods in Ashburton. Unfortunately, he had not been found for quite some time, and then by workers who were clearing the woodlands. He was a skeleton at the time. The post mortem will be carried out sooner rather than later.

"Damn Asian news," said mummy, as she surfed the telly onto a German newsreader, and discovered that Dutch readers had not developed a taste for tabloid sensationalism.